Hello again.

It’s been a while..

Truth be told, I didn’t have the courage to pick back up the blog. I so desperately hoped we would have good news flowing once we left hospital and truth is, we haven’t. It’s tough. We’re exhausted, we’re torn, we keep trying to pick the pieces back up but just as we think we have, another box drops.

I feel so much guilt every single day. This disease was passed to my kids from me, they suffer because of me. Their pain should be mine. Cor has had a particular rough time of it.

Cor has had a number of problems since leaving. He’s had allergic reactions, at one point every day. In the last two weeks, his central line has split twice meaning his infection risk is greater than it should be. On top of this, his body is killing his neutrophils and they don’t really know why. The treatment for this isn’t working and his neutrophils are still dropping every week no matter what we do. We’re in hospital every other day. So now, here we are. A line infection with a neutropenic baby.

We haven’t had normality with our boy yet. Every time we thought we could see the light, it was turned off. I let myself hope one week. His neutrophils went up and I thought ‘this is it.’ I drove home with a smile on my face and a feeling in my gut that this was the corner we needed to turn. A few days later, they had dropped so much that they could barely be detected in a blood test.

I have so much regret. I feel like I walked into hospital in June with a happy baby and all I have done is cause him pain and made him more poorly. I’ve failed as a parent, a mother and a protector. I just want to take away his pain, his sickness and I want to be the mother he deserves.

Tonight I’ve had to drop Adriaan & Cor at hospital for admittance. His line was repaired yesterday and it’s come with an infection. Only one parent is allowed and it’s heartbreaking. I have Cor’s favourite programme on TV just so it feels like he’s here. His baby monitor is next to me and I’m clinging his little teddy.

Our family has been ripped and there’s nothing I can do.

Our New Years Eve is going to look different this year. We will be in a hospital ward and I had so hoped that by this time, Cor would be healthy. I’m sorry that I haven’t been writing much, I just wanted good news to post about. I guess we’ll have to wait.